I see a lot of Facebook posts these days about being yourself.

You quirky individual you.

The message holds truth: There is no one like you (Thank god?). Well, hey, what if you don’t like being you? Painfully quiet? Thrill seeker playing it safe? Anxious? Depressed? Who are you anyways? Maybe you’re still figuring that out.

Sure, you’re more complex than that. I know “be yourself” is supposed to be a positive message, but I can’t stop thinking about that other stuff. Maybe some of you do to.

I am reading through Edward de Bono’s “Six Thinking Hats” now and I can’t help but recall some of the tools I used together with clients in my past work in the field of Mental Health. Turns out that being someone else (at least for a little while) might be just what you need.

I remember trying to help someone think of ways to handle a situation differently. We could come up with a few answers, but it felt like we hit a roadblock, until I asked this person to try and imagine what a friend might do in their place. By imagining things from a different perspective, this person was free to explore different options, options that suddenly were possibilities for them.

We come will all kinds of beliefs about ourselves, how we should behave, who we might be and where we are headed. If you have a hard time thinking about that, try thinking of how you wouldn’t behave, who you are not and where you’re not headed. It’s a little easier and illustrates bit more that box we put ourselves in.

To be sure, what makes us unique should be embraced. It could indeed be foolish to spend time on something you don’t like or is a distraction from what you’ve already gained some expertise in. It might be a waste of time to do something out of character… but it might not be.

In de Bono’s thinking hats, he advocates we practice putting on different kinds of hats to allow us to be more open in specific ways. For example, when we put on a yellow hat, it gives us license to be optimistic about possible outcomes. It asks that we rack our brains for positive results. A parallel here might be that instead of putting on a hat, you might ask yourself, what would your friend Ryan say about a certain subject, as he is more optimistic than you. Being Ryan for a while helps you open  up.

But pretending to be someone else doesn’t just help in the thinking department, it also plays a role in the doing and feeling department.

It’s been shown to be helpful when some are depressed, they benefit from practicing small smiles. Smiling even though they don’t feel like it. Believe it or not, the act of doing that repetitively has increased some people’s mood.

Consider how some big screen actors find that acting a certain role has an impact on their mood when they are off screen.

When you’re looking to break a pattern, being someone else might give you the license to do just that. Think of it as an experiment. While you should be careful about labeling your first set of outcomes as conclusive, you could find that the preliminary results are surprisingly positive. Maybe people reacted a little differently than you imagined when you spoke your mind, while harnessing aunt Marie’s outspoken dinner table antiques. Maybe kickboxing was fun when you channeled your outgoing friend Donnie.

So the next time you are looking for an answer or wanting to broaden your horizons, use the tool of pretend. Be someone else. It could help you find out more about yourself.

- Josh

Life’s busy. “Time seems to fly by” is something I hear a lot and has come out of my mouth more than a couple times.  On the subject of catching up with far away friends, an old friend aptly put, “Life needs to slow down, being an adult sucks”

Correspondence takes time and effort, even if it’s just a quick word on a Facebook private message or in the comments. Most of the times a quick glance at status updates as it appears in your news feed is enough to provide some sense that friends are doing okay. That helps. I hope you’re doing okay.

“I’ve been busy. You too.” Mostly everybody understands. You have a job, maybe kids, certainly bills, you need some down time to relax, time to connect with your immediate family, your close friends.

But there are close friends of the past; there are those people that you wish you were closer to that you would like to connect with. The truth is, writing a little greeting takes mere minutes; it’s usually the case when I do, but it always feels like a significant undertaking beforehand. And I’m tired, aren’t you? Or busy tending to life’s laundry list of things that needed to get done yesterday.

Oh the things we could really accomplish when we’re tired but “feel” like we have to lay down a while and sink in some video game or T.V. time.

“You need some time to relax.” It’s true. But if you’re anything like me, you override the “fully recharged” signal in exchange for another half hour on Youtube, maybe more during precious down time.

How much of an active effort have you really been making to connect with friends? When did living with the guilt or sadness of absence (no matter how big or small or fleeting) become easier to bear than spending a moment sending some form of our thoughts that we’re thinking of them?

Wanna change that? On board? Here’s some suggestions for things to do this week:

     Write an old friend that you’ve been meaning to get in touch with

     Turn off the TV, computer, music, video game, whatever’s your reprieve and think about what kind of person you are to others and who you want to be.

     Create something that honors your past.


Just to let you know, I thought about you today. Hope you're doing fine.

- Josh

Those who are in touch with their creative side are a little different - changed by their openess. Sometimes the reminder that you’re different and that those qualities are important and need to come out in their own way is what "creative people" need to recharge. Those who are in tune with their creativity can shake off the challenges of seeing things through a different lens by spending a little time in your creative element, with others. In the right atmosphere (There’s no no, that’s not right. no need to be on the defensive. It’s all about building upon ideas and having a laugh), it could be just what the doctor ordered.

Sometimes a good TED talk or inspiring Youtube video with a flavour of creativity can give you the boost you need. I recently stumbled upon this speech by John Cleese on Creativity. It’s a long watch at 36 mins, but it's worth it. Really is. It has a lot of the important information about what you need to know about creativity. The key is keeping Cleese's ideas at the heart of visiting your creative element, with like minded others. For those not in tune with their creativity or not as in tune as you'd like to be, the video's a start point. The doing comes next. 

The only thing is. You’ll have to be ‘open’ to see how the ideas in the video and the positive effects of creativity can apply to just about everything in life.    


If anyone wants to chat up creativity. Send me an e-mail. 

Stay Healthy

- Josh

“The Deep, vital connections among family members are often unspoken, expressed at a wordless level by our presence with each other over many year”

 “Family is who they say they are” That is that, family for some don’t just share the same blood, or are joined together by proceedings, but have friendships that run just as deep and considered to be family.

Death and dying is often times a part of my creative writing. But you know what’s hard? Dealing with loss and grieving in person. What’s most tragic is that we’re all going to be affected by it at some time in our lives including at one point with our own travel’s end. In my capacity as Nurse I’m much more comfortable being with, acting on and communicating regarding a client who is dealing with loss and grieving than I am when the person who is dealing with loss or grieving is friend, family, or me. I think that’s pretty normal.

So I thought I’d suggests, while written words don’t fail me here as spoken words might in the future, that if you’re faced with dealing with a family member who is dying, that you consider the “Four Gifts”.

This is a long post. But believe me, it’s worth it. Save it or share it if you like.

Interpreted from the writings of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross from a textbook, “Family members can be encouraged to write down their thoughts and feelings and to read them to the dying person, if appropriate, or simply to sit down one-to-one and talk from the heart. Likewise, clients can be invited to share these gifts with the important people in their lives. The gifts work both ways. When done with sincerity and simplicity, they invariably precipitate a healing shift in relationships.”

I’ll ask that if you read the four gifts that you read them in sequence, that they’ve been found to help many people feel better about what they are going through. If you’re in the situation where you feel you might use these, know it is normal to feel anxious. Role-playing can be helpful with say nursing staff if they are available. What you should do is to try these gifts straight from the heart and take the risk that some feelings will arise. That is ok and understandable in those circumstances.

1. Forgiveness (“I’m sorry”; “I forgive you”): The first step is to admit to the wrongs and hurts experienced at the hands of the other person. This can be frightening to do because it makes a person vulnerable to fresh injury. The other person may have no idea the speaker has been harboring a resentment or hurt, and may response with disbelief, defensiveness, or silence. The intention here is to forgive and release the hurt, and that must be the context in which this conversation takes place. Bear in mind two important caveats. One is that sometimes a face-to-face encounter is not possible (as when the client is sedated, comatose, or demented) and sometimes it is not advisable  (as when there is conviction that this would cause more distress than it would relieve). In such cases, the effect can still be achieved by writing down the message and reading it to another person or simply by telling another, who acts as a stand-in for the client. The other caveat is that forgiveness does not mean that a truly injurious or abusive action has been condoned or accepted. It does not make a wrong right. What it does is signal a desire to let go of blame and anger, to release one’s heart from the chains of resentment. As such, it is a gift to the one who offers the forgiveness as much or more than it is a gift to the one receiving it.

The willingness to say, “I forgive you,” is accompanied by the question, “Is there anything I have done, or not done, for which I need to say I am sorry?” Being open to hearing about another person’s injuries and asking him or her for forgiveness is the other side of the coin of this gift. The art of giving and receiving forgiveness is rarely overt in many families, so most people have had no experience with this remarkably healing practice. They may feel awkward and phony using the words. Doubtless this practice entails taking emotional risks. However, it is the gateway to the other three gifts. Time is running out, and families know it. With some practice and encouragement, many take the chance.

2. Love (“I love you”): The second gift is to express love to each other. It is astonishing how many children have never heard their parents say, “I love you.” In many long-term marriages, these words have faded away, to be replaced by daily togetherness and the practical caring of a shared life. The end of life is a wonderful time for people to fully express what they mean to each other. Especially meaningful are the many memories of things learned from another, such as values, attitudes, and beliefs. Ultimately, the message is that all people are loved for being, rather than for what they have done or achieved.

3. Gratitude (“Thank you”): This is the moment to take the time to thank each other for what each has been in the other’s life. People look back over life together and remember the good times and the tough times. They can take out photo albums, show videos, reminisce, listen again to the client’s or family members’ favorite stories. Perhaps the rarest commodity in this culture is full attention; to receive a person’s undivided attention is precious. It is especially important to acknowledge the things that the patient took for granted. Many fathers and husbands have never been thanked for going to work every day for 30 to 40 years. Many wives and mothers would never expect thanks for all the laundry, mending, and help with school projects. Many exhausted caregivers weep when they are told they really are doing a good job and are appreciated.

4. Farewell (“Good-Bye, I’ll be okay”): Many people say that they hate good-byes. “I don’t do good-byes,” they may say. It is resisted for several reasons. Saying good-bye brings up feelings of grief and finality. Also, one hesitates to say goodbye before someone is actually leaving. It may appear to be rushing the person or even causing the departure. Yet when the final separation of death awaits us, the act of saying good-bye is deeply appropriate and meaningful. Survivors feel its absence when there was no chance to say good-bye and usually have to wrestle with it during bereavement. When one acknowledges the coming separation, one both gives and receives permission for the death to occur. The person who is dying knows that the loved one is facing the death and will survive it. The person giving permission loosens his or her grasp and begins to surrender to the inevitability of the death. The phrases one uses can be softened. “ I know the time will come when we’ll have to part, and these are some of my feelings and thoughts…” “I am thinking about having to go on without you, and I am going to make it.” “Thinking about saying good-bye makes me so terribly sad.” However one finds the words, this final gift is a way of acknowledging and honoring the importance of the relationship in one’s life and it should be encouraged and even rehearsed if necessary.

I have copied word for word out of the book, “Foundations for psychiatric Mental Health Nursing: A clinical Approach. Fourth Edition” by Elizabeth M. Varco. P.834-835. As noted above, the section was interpreted from the writings of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross whose work I felt was too important not to share.

- Josh  

Goal Setting – There’s a life skill most everybody knows about but few really use to maximize their time in a day. Bring on the:

“Don’t leave for tomorrow what you can get done today”

“If you don’t know where you are going, you’ll end up someplace else”

“If you aim at nothing, you’ll hit it every time”

It’s about purpose. About direction and grabbing hold your life and taking control of it. Here’s what I know and share about goal setting that might be helpful:

Write down your goals, committing them to paper is helpful in increasing your likelihood of success.

On Your list, leave room for checkmarks or cross off accomplished goals as you go. You’ll get a fair representation of what’s left to do but also will see what you actually DID to work towards your goals. 

Make a list. Seeing what lies ahead not only helps with organisation and time management but can also take weight of those “things to do” thoughts floating around in your mind. You know those things that keep some up at night. 

Prioritize! What needs to get down first? how important is this? Ability to prioritize in itself is a life skill to be developed and mastered.    
    
Break your goals down. Really get down to step by step if you have to. 


Tell people about your goals. Key here is that this is helpful in motivating because it makes you accountable. It’s not useful if there’s no accountability.


Challenge yourself, but be realistic. Success gives you momentum; failure will drain you if you’re not careful, especially when you’re just getting started.

Make your goals specific and time sensitive, that is that, you should know ahead of time what it means to succeed or fail.


Define your success in terms of behaviour. It’s what you DO, not whether or not it was well received, or how you felt or thought about it. 

Celebrate success

Add Incentive

Make your challenges important; make them stepping stones in achieving what it is you want in life.

Examine conditions leading to failure. Grow. Allow yourself disappointment, (its only normal to feel it) but concentrate your effort to focus on gleaning information about yourself that you need to move forward. Often times there are patterns begging to be corrected (Like patterns of procrastination). Correct them.




There are a number of conditions and states, both physical and mental that can add extra challenge to achieving your goals (e.g. ADHD, Depression, Sleep deprived, malnourished, prone to procrastinate, and perfectionist to name a few). Explore what added challenges are unique to you. Own them and develop skills tailored to you. Ask for help if you need it.

Oh, and if you procrastinate and/or are a perfectionist (including if you’re wondering whether you are either of those two), Check out these modules for self betterment at the “Centre for Clinical Intervention” via Google, or:

“Perfectionism in perspective”
http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=52

“Put off procrastinating!!!”
http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=50

Pass it on.

-Josh